Love Means Never Having To Use An Asterisk

"Honey, I love you*" (*See below for more details, terms & conditions)

By David Miranda

Imagine sending a birthday card to, say, your significant other. The front of the card reads Happy Birthday, I love you* *(See details, terms & conditions inside)

Inside the card reads:

*This card in intended for your current birthday as shown on an official government ID which may be required to validate your date of birth, and not for birthdays you will have in the future. "I" refers to the sender and should not be confused with other persons with a similar first or last name. "You" refers to the recipient. As the recipient you are not permitted to resend this card to a third party, unless you have the expressed written permission of the sender. Permission will not be withheld unreasonably. This card is not accompanied by any money, gifts, or offer for dining. If you have any questions regarding these terms & conditions, please contact the sender between the hours of 9AM and 5PM EST, Monday through Friday."

Sound ridiculous? We, in marketing, become so paranoid of litigation and risk-averse that we cannot make a declarative statement about our brand, products, services, or offers that does not include an asterisk or footnote of disclaimers, terms and conditions written in microscopic point size.

Do we really need lawyers to compose this mouse print legalese and then other lawyers to translate in even more pages of legalese than the original?

Here's a real example? Want to take advantage of an airline fare sale where the headline boldly states "Atlanta to New York - From $99 Per Person* (*See details below)". Of course the "details below" states
*All fares are one-way. All fares are non-refundable and a $75 fee per person will apply to changes made after purchase, plus any applicable increase in airfare. Reservations may be obtained or changed through a Telephone Reservations Center for an additional $7.50 per person. Seats are limited, subject to availability, and may not be available on all flights. Fares, routes, and schedules are subject to change without notice. Fares do not include per-segment tax of $3.50. A segment is defined as one takeoff and one landing. The September 11th security fee of up to $10 is not included. Airport Passenger Facility Charges of up to $18 are not included.

Here's the English translation - "This is a "One-Way" fare offer. You are not going to get your money back if you have to cancel. If you do change we will charge you $7.50 per person plus a $75 per person change fee plus any increase in airfare. The fare does not include a per-segment tax of $3.50 per ticket. A September 11th security fee of up to $10 is not included and Airport Passenger Facility Charges of up to $18 is not included." So far, if you are fortunate enough to get a fare ("Seats are limited, subject to availability, and may not be available on all flights. Fares, routes, and schedules are subject to change without notice") the fare will be $99 times 2 ( I assume you want to return) plus $3.50 times 2 plus $10 times 2 plus $18 times 2 which comes to about $260 (assuming you don't have to change your reservation).

Why doesn't the airline simply state "Round Trip Airfare From Atlanta to New York From $260 including all fees and taxes. We have limited availability so book early"

Let's show our customers we really love them - keep the message simple, short, and sincere.

Love means never having to use an asterisk.